27 June 2013
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Insight Six is very hard and has been very hard since January because I
did not have a “typical” family experience. I was given up at birth and
pushed through the Foster care system. I met my biological mother at
twelve years old, but I don’t know if that made a difference in my
control drama or not. I’d wager that I had already found my “aloofness”
by the time I was twelve. However, this means that I cannot find the
purpose for my life. I cannot find the reason I am here.
What hurts the most is knowing that I have been given this life and not
knowing what I am to do with it. However, just now, I got the answer as
to how I am supposed to find meaning in my life. Because I had
developed my control drama in the absence of my parents, I need to
examine other influential relationships. There were people that took
care of me, had influence over me, but when I look back, its hard to
remember anything but bad things about them, because in addition to
being abandoned, I was abused. But I survived! I have scars, but I made
it!
I know what they taught me. At least I know some of what they taught me.
In the first foster home I learned to believe God. We’d play a game
when I was younger, where I’d pretend to stick may hand into the small
hole of the armrest in my wheelchair. My foster sister and foster mother
would then pray, and I would remove my hand. Thereby was I taught what
would later become my faith in God. I know that I had done it, but I
know also that it was God who gave me the power to do. As a matter of
fact, there were some times that my hand would actually get stuck in the
little hole. I would have to relax and breathe. I knew eventually it
would come out.
When I moved to the next Foster home, there were two people I learned
from: Mama and Papa. Mama was all about portraying a strong moral
compass. Although I have to wonder, with some of the stuff that went on
in that house if she was any good at it. It’s sort of like the book when
it speaks about the main character’s dad wanting to find enjoyment but
never being able to. I think the issue as it concerns Mama was that she
was so interested in “doing” spirituality rather than being spiritual. I
know that as I grew up there I only was exposed to three places:
school, home and church. Our religion dictated how we interacted with
others and how we experienced things in those three places. In the end,
it was really all about control. I am not going to lie, when I was in
that house, I was in an almost constant state of fear. But it was
because of her need to “get to heaven” that she had she controlled every
aspect of my life. She felt, if she did not “raise me right” she would
not make it to heaven.
Papa was the same way, but he was all about control for a different
reason. He was concerned about progress and making himself better.
Making himself a person others would admire and fear. He did so by
intimidation. He interrogated a lot but he did so with intimidation in
mind. Any slip up resulted in consequences. I tried not to slip up, yet
each day there was something. If there was not something for that day,
there was something from the past, which they video tapped. In truth, I
think Papa got his pleasure, his energy from beating us kids. Otherwise
there could be no reason for searching as he did.
For all his faults, Papa taught me the importance of progress and
perseverance. He never said “you must persevere”, “you must make
progress”, but he made me learn lessons that showed me his philosophy on
life. He tried.
Of particular concern is this: that Mama and Papa never got free of
their control drama or never learned that in some cases is was bad to
use it. To this end, they perpetuated control dramas onto their children
and those around them. All are now in a battle for energy. An infinite
source they consider to be finite. I began to learn the subtleties of
energy manipulation at five when I moved into that house. In order to
answer my evolutionary question, I must start there.
From Mama: How do I ensure that I have a good moral compass without
letting my moral compass I defined by what and how much I can do?
From Papa: How do I achieve progress without stepping on the backs of others?
My question: How do I live a life that is defined by WHO I AM, not what I do?
It seems odd, does it not? Such a simple question have I been working on
for the past twenty-seven years. However, knowing this question allows
me to examine the relationships outside of Mama and Papa, outside of
parents even, and move toward looking at friends and acquaintances.
For this part, I will only look at those relationships that I can
remember that had a profound impact on me.
My Big Brother: If you want to do something, do it.
My brother has always been an impulsive person. He has hopped over the
fence from our house to the street in order to get a pair of headphones.
He has moved across country not once, but several times. He has shaved
his head on a whim. However from the first two instances I learned that
although impulsivity may have its strengths, it must be tempered with a
healthy bit of common sense. Impulsivity, I learned, has its
consequences. They may sometimes affect you, but they often affect
others. For example when my brother moved across country he left his
children here. This put tremendous strain on their mother and the rest
of the family as he was not sending any money for their support. When he
hopped over the fence, he got a beating for at least an hour. He got
the beating, but I heard it. Impulsivity works if all of your ducks are
in a row. Just this month I saw impulsivity work well. My brother flew
3,000 miles to be with his children for father’s day and the rest of the
week. He told me after he had related the story that “if you want to do
something, don’t talk about it, do it.
Mr. Layton: You should never be too busy to take time for others
When I was in fifth and sixth grade there was a teacher I admired not
because of his easy-going nature or his challenging curriculum, but
because of the fact that he took time to play basketball with me. I was
born with a disability that meant that I could not play well with the
other children at recess. When I served as ball monitor for one week I
found a small ball that I could have a bit more control over. The next
week, I asked for the ball and picked out one of the empty basketball
courts. I think he must have seen me and that I was alone. For he came
out to play with me on occasion. Through playing with me on the
basketball court not only did he inspire confidence in me but he taught
me a valuable lesson, that you should never be too busy to take time for
others.
My Friend Anton: Wake up and find YOURSELF
For a while in high school and college my friend and I were convinced
that life was just a dream. That we were passing through, that we were
simply existing and that we ought to wake up to a better day. We could
only do this, we knew, by finding ourselves, finding who we were, and
finding out what we were meant to be. I chose to become a Jedi after so
much time in an effort to find myself outside of religion and social
norms. Slowly but surely I am waking up to become what I was meant to
be. The only question I have is have I been awake this whole time? Will I
only find out when I take the long rest? If I have been, what a waste
of a life to blunder around wondering when you will wake up. In any
case, Anton taught me not to listen to the voice of the crowd to choose
my own action, but to rise above the din, wake up in a sense. Realize my
own power and use it.
My Friend Sarah: If you believe something, live it.
One of my best friends is an LDS member, a Mormon. I watch her
interaction with those in her church and school. It is obvious that she
lives what it means to be Mormon. And she loves it. I believe it is the
responsibility of all human beings to find a cause they believe in,
rather selfish or selfless, and live it. We humans get one life. One
chance to enjoy God’s green earth. One chance to create or destroy. To
build up or tear down. Whatever we do is what people will remember. Best
that we be remembered for a life well lived. A Jedi’s mission is to see
that his life is lived for the service of others. It is a selfless
mission, but unlike the fiction, we are not made Jedi by birth and hid
in a temple. We become Jedi because something in life compels us to do
so. We are not Jedi as an obligation, but by choice. We may decide to
leave this path we are on or we may continue. Either way it is our
choice.
The Conclusion
My evolutionary question is: How can I live a life that is defined by
who I am, not what I do? So far I have learned: I should wake up and
find myself. I should live what I believe. I should do what I want in
the bounds of common sense, and I should never be too busy for others.
The question might be asked, what is a life that is not defined by
actions? Perhaps there is no such thing. The truth is, I’m looking to
live a life that at the end doesn’t need to be recited by a list of
actions. If I am a Jedi I want to be a Jedi and not be a Jedi because I
have checked a few boxes. Same with my Christian heritage. I want to be
a Christian, because I lived what I believe.
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